The struggle of late has been between the desire to document my life and get the word out and the desire not to whine. When these two desires butt heads, I find it easy to take the path of least resistance and procrastination and not say anything at all. The desire to express myself has finally won out.

I’ve been going through a lot of self-renewal lately; a lot of changes and a lot of discovery. So, before I get to the big chunk of drama and pompousness, let me say a few things that I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.

First, I hope that one day Tori and CJ can forgive me for falling out of their lives. When they moved out it was assumed (hoped) that I could remain a significantly contributor to their lives. That has not turned out to be the case, and I hope that one day they’ll understand that seeing them now is a very painful thing for me. I love them, and I miss them, but to be in their house now on the rare occasions I actually come inside to pick up or deliver Elizabeth is just more of a reminder of how much I’m not a part of their lives, especially now that my replacement is so prominent. I can’t really say much more than that and I hope one day they’ll understand and forgive me.

I’ve played guitar for most of my life, but never really had any desire to be in a band. I used to enjoy a quiet chuckle whenever classmates used to talk about the band they’re forming and their plans for making it big, which of course none of them did. It is therefore a great shock to find myself in a band now, and more than that, to find myself as dedicated to this band as I am. It has become something I can throw myself into and has helped to fill up some large gaps in my heart lately. We’ve been trying to meet about once a week. While we didn’t initially set out to define roles in the band, I’ve found a lot of enjoyment in playing the bass, and am even more surprised to find that my singing for the band is a style that I’d never thought myself capable of either performing or enjoying. It has certainly been an enlightening journey and has helped me to come to the point of this post.

I’m at a new stage of my life. Were I to try to assign names to the stages of my life they would be Childhood, Young Adult, Husband, and now the Single Father. This current stage has brought with it a lot more than I’d expected, so let’s throw away all pretense of trying to be professional and completely dive into the waters of drama. Quentin Baker has ended. The Quentin Baker you guys have known is changed, likely forever. I see things through new eyes and an alarming clarity. It’s as though my comprehension of the human psyche has been completed. Like I said, I’ve accomplished the only goals I’d ever had for my life: become the husband and father. I had no other goals, and my beliefs on family prevent me from establishing a new one, so that means that Quentin Baker has succeeded and is done. Who I am now is a man without goals, so I give myself to you. To my friends. To my family. To the world. Were I a religious man you could say that I’ve been reborn. You could say that I’m living a life in servitude to God and the bettering of mankind.

I give advice to my friends on their lives and relationships not because I’m an example of success, but because for whatever reason I can clearly see what needs to be done. I’m not going to give examples, just appreciate that I have experienced a good deal of validation on my claims of understanding. I could probably open a help line or television show and give emotional advice to people (although, I don’t believe that those could work since understanding someone’s problems fully in the span of a phone conversation is impossible).

So, turning my microscope onto myself, what do I see? Is this false-enlightenment? It has a touch of that, as I’m trying to elevate myself without having truly hit rock bottom. Is this attempt to live life through others based on fear or self-loathing? Yes. Absolutely. My goals were accomplished but did not survive, and I hate who I’ve become. I hate what my life has left for me and I’m afraid of facing the fact that I am going to die alone. So, I turn away from myself. I live, vicariously, through others and their successes and failures. I resign the guardianship of my own heart and give it to others to fill or empty or stab. The band is Josh’s dream, and I want him to succeed, so the band becomes a priority to me. Other examples, unfortunately, I cannot reveal in public. Just know that I am now a sort of facilitator for all my friends. I feel like I failed Andrew in that regard, I didn’t have a chance to give to him the sort of clarity that I have now, and I don’t want to fail anyone else again.

Believe me, I know full well how pretentious this sounds, but I can’t explain it any better. The only person who ever really knew me might have been able to explain it better, but she doesn’t know me anymore. I’ve got a new direction in life, new focus and new dreams, and none of them are my own.