It's a crushing weight; I can literally feel shoulders pulled down. And it's a specific feeling - it's not a typical depression, or stress. This is an ominous sludge that I can't help but walk through. It's like I can feel it pulling me along and into its maw. I know of two moments in my life that I've felt this before, and if they're any indication... well, something wicked this way comes. Do I think I'm psychic? No, of course not. But I can tell when a storm's on the horizon, and if I'm right in this one you can all call me Far Sighted.

Anyway, enough malarkey.

New Year's Eve was busy. Woke up early to go to the old house and couldn't clean it due to the lack of electricity. Wow, the firestorm resulting from that one is impressive. Apparently "not vacuumed" is tantamount to "scorched earth". Further, I'd called the electric company to end my account with them and they were out there lickity-split to shut off the electricity. Called them today to try to get it back on so that I can continue cleaning and I'm told nothing can be done until Monday. Have you guys ever noticed that a service provider can kill your subscription or service within a hour of being late, but it always takes 2-3 business days to get things started again? So, I guess I'll be out there Monday to vacuum and make the place livable again. I'm being threatened with being charged another month of rent for January. Two things there. First, if you're going to charge me for January, I'm going to use that rent. Got tons of space for parties, or shooting guns, whatever, you call me. Second, blood from a turnip, buddy. I wanted to move out on December 15th when the weather was clear and I was already moving. You're the ones who wanted a full month's rent for December. Had you prorated December we'd have been done with this weeks ago (and my finances wouldn't have been nearly as bad as there are at the moment).

But seriously. Blood. Turnip. Huntington Bank were wonderful today. They reviewed my account and returned five of the six NSF fees. Folks, that's almost $190 back in my pocket. Why did they look kindly upon me? Since my account was restructured (read: no longer joint) I haven't gone under and have kept my account in good standing. Thank goodness my paycheck next week has holiday pay and overtime - it's just going to be tight in the meantime.

So, after work on New Year's Eve I headed to Josh and Angela's wherein the New Year's Party was in full swing. I don't know what it was that Josh was mixing, but I was drinking it, and lo, there was happy to be had. For a time we three (that'd be Josh, Eldon and myself) went to the basement to play guitars - nothing good came from that but a desire to get together again. Found out that it's fairly common knowledge among my friends that I have an ego the size of Montana - gee, you think! With a blog this big, I'd better have an ego! I related how my shrink (back when I was suicidal) told me that I don't loathe myself as much as I think I do and actually love myself but feel guilty at my failures which makes me think I should hate myself.... Yeah, I tried to articulate that through a foggy cloud of drunk.

The ball dropped, we all made way too much noise and then we all slowly dispersed and said our goodbye's. The next day after work I headed to Robin's (after Woodall was incommunicado!) and found myself singing in a Rock Bank session for a few (six) hours. I really hope to be able to get together with people again more often; it really helped bring me back to reality and remind me of things to look forward to. It's been too dark all too often lately.

Huh. Having had to bounce through a few of my older posts today because of a database tweak I can't help but notice parallels with older posts: Q goes out, drinks a bit, talks about how depressing things are. Have I reverted?

No. No, I haven't. I'm in a mood, and that mood positively screams for an outlet, which is here. I get down and I get depressed and I pour out my feelings here. The Depressed-Q posts have been, if you'll pardon the term, few and fucking far in between in the past six years. Does this post echo my days prior to marriage? Yes, of course, and is it really much of a surprise? My life has lost direction, my finances have just suffered a stumble and I don't have anyone to hold or lean on. So, lonely, depressed, broke... yeah that sounds like the old Q.

This week.

Check in next week! Could our humble narrator be on the verge of an emotional renaissance? Is he headed for happier and more confident times? Or, is the kinetic energy he's feeling getting ready to take the legs out from under him? Stay tuned! You don't want to miss the thrilling conclusion!!!